5312
viewsThe Other Woman
By Skirt.com, Friday, January 1, 2010, 18 comments
hy is he calling again? I’m not complaining, I love the sound of his voice and everything about him, but his wife is home. So why is he calling for the second time this morning?
“Hello,” I answer.
“Hello?” A pause during which my stomach drops to my feet. “Who is—” the question trails off as she says, “Sorry, I must have the wrong number.”
But her voice tells me she knows she didn’t misdial.
So this is it. The moment of truth. We’ve been caught.
I never intended to have an affair with a married man, but who does? As women we’re geared to see “the other woman” as a horrible home-wrecking wench and a moniker we should strive to never wear. In movies, books, and television she is the crazy, lonely, over-sexed woman with no morals.
But sometimes even good girls get saddled with the title.
We began as friends. Friends who were too attracted to each other and too well matched in personality, humor and interests to remain friends for very long. Trips to the beach, afternoons gabbing over pizza, Sunday morning bike rides that never lasted long enough and finding ways to see and talk to each other as much as possible became ingrained before we ever decided to have sex. We were in love long before we became lovers.
And that was the hard part.
Were it “just sex” or had we not clicked so perfectly, it would have been easy to send him back to his wife each day and simply enjoy the pleasure while carrying on with my carefree single life. Were it just physical it wouldn’t have torn my heart apart those occasional Sundays when he couldn’t join me on our bike ride or to think of him going home to her. Unfortunately, the physical portion of the complicated relationship came after the plunge into love and, as tends to happen, the physical bit only made the emotions rage stronger. I fell into the problem the other woman is not supposed to desire, speak of, or admit to: I wanted more.
I knew my role. I was supposed to realize what I had gotten myself into and accept he would never fully be mine. I wasn’t supposed to—wasn’t allowed to—want more. So I never told him outright for fear of scaring him off. He’d said in the beginning he couldn’t leave her, but his increasing indiscretion in public and displays of dissatisfaction at home made it clear he too wanted more than stolen moments and rushed phone calls. He spoke of regretting his marriage to her and how the misgivings he’d experienced at the wedding shouldn’t have been ignored. “We aren’t even smiling in our wedding photos,” he often lamented. She was never mentioned by name, as if it were only a pronoun looming over our future together.
Were we a novel or movie, people would be putting the book down or walking out of the theater because our love and desire was so cliché. It was embarrassing to try to put into words how I felt about him and he about me, because I knew the expressions I used sounded like every other “other woman” who has gotten in too deep. But it was genuine. His words to me weren’t simple utterances to keep me having sex with him, and I had no doubt about my feelings for him. This wasn’t a case of I-want-what-I-can’t-have. No, trite as it seems, I’d met my soul mate. We matched in every way, we completed each other’s thoughts and sentences, and we couldn’t love each other with more passion without exploding. Over the months the conviction we were meant to be together overwhelmed us. We knew we wanted each other forever, we just couldn’t admit we wanted to make it happen.
Until the day of the phone call.
For me it became a long string of hours filled with waiting and doubt. When I saw him at work that Saturday he never told me what he intended to do and for the first time I couldn’t look in his eyes and know exactly what he was thinking. Once his workday was over I didn’t hear from him. I spent the rest of the day not knowing if he had gone home and resolved things with her or if I would ever hear from him again. With the phone now silent, I could only assume it was over. The next morning was Sunday and I rode our familiar route hoping to find him around each curve or corner. I never did. I imagined the doorbell ringing and me answering to find him at my step with bags in hand, but this never happened either. I spent the day in tearful misery at the knowledge I’d lost the strongest love I’d ever had.
Finally, after a torturously long Sunday, the phone rang.
When I answered the phone I didn’t know what to expect. My pessimism prepared for the worst. I’d never been happier to be wrong.
“I told her. I told her everything,” he gushed.
I couldn’t speak with my mind numbed from the crying and wondering why he hadn’t called sooner.
It hadn’t been an enjoyable 24 hours for him either. He didn’t want to admit to what he’d done to her. The option was there to weasel out of it and tell her the lines got crossed somehow when she hit redial that morning or to confess and go to counseling. But he told the truth and said their marriage was at its end. Playing the pretense of the happy couple for one more day for her parents’ sake, he’d been trapped in the ordeal of a Sunday at the in-laws.
She didn’t cry or get angry at his revelation; she simply arranged the best day for him to move out and, within two weeks, started openly dating the person she’d been seeing before and during the marriage. Their marriage was over long before that Saturday morning phone call, but neither had wanted to face the fact.
“We’re going to be together,” he blurted into the receiver, his voice full of enthusiasm.
Four years later we still are. We’ve been married for three of those years with an unimaginable devotion. I occasionally have doubts that he’ll do the same to me or that he’ll regret turning his back on his old life. But he swears with a sincere conviction that neither of these things will ever happen. He shines as he says he knew from the day we met that he’d found the person he was meant to be with and his only regret is the manner in which we had to spend our first nine months together.
And he continually brags how our wedding photos show us smiling from ear to ear.
Odd as it is, I scorn news of celebrities or acquaintances cheating on their spouses, and nowhere in my personal morals do I think adultery is okay. I don’t recommend it. It’s emotionally stressful and someone usually ends up hurt in the end, but I don’t for one second regret my time as the other woman.
Tammie Painter lives near Portland, Oregon, with her husband and collection of other beasts. Her work has been accepted by several magazines and is regularly featured on the website “Powder Room Graffiti.” She is currently working on publishing her first novel.
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18 Comments
As the daughter of a home
As the daughter of a home recently fractured by adultery, this was an interesting perspective from the eyes of, what I call in my story, the mistress. The hardest part was learning that my father wasn't the kind of person I thought I knew him to be. In their case, I still don't know exactly why it came about, but she's used the term "soul mate" too. That's a little hard to digest, and I can only assume that the circumstances were different in your case, but thank you for sharing your side of your story. It helps me to try to be a little more forgiving.
other woman
other women
I agree, Dot, life is too short and I am a firm believer in "if at first you don't succeed try again, and again, and again..............."
No, no, no. Glad you are
No, no, no. Glad you are happy but who was the bigger coward, you or your husband? Ever heard of walk away and tell him to come back when he's free?? You started your relationship on someone elses' pain. Being happy now does not make that okay.
Pain
I am 27 years old, and I found out 2 months ago that my husband of 5 years had an affair with a good friend of mine (who also has a live-in boyfriend) for a total of one month. My world has been completely flipped upside down. My friends and family are in complete shock because we are an incredibly happy and affectionate couple. My husband is in devastation over what he has done to us, and we both cry a lot. It had nothing to do with love or soul mates. Adultery is the ultimate betrayal, and there are days I wonder if I'll ever heal from this. Fifty percent of marriages go through affairs (I didn't know this until I was sitting in the counselor's office after I first found out) so to write an article about the bliss resulting from an affair is incredibly painful for those of us who have experienced it first-hand.
Wow . . .
This story is one that needs to be said out loud. As women we find ourselves in many sticky situations. Many "other" women do not seek for the title or wear it proud. For whatever reason things happen and it is hard on both sides. I to was the other woman and the connection started way before there was anything intimate. I can say it was hard. It destroyed our families and we never intended to do that. We are now married and I am the happiest I have ever been. I use to feel ashamed and embrassed to say that but I am. Both sides have a hard time dealing with the realities in life and nothing is ever perfect but I made it through and I am glad that Tammie had the guts to say it loud.
Interesting piece and a good
Interesting piece and a good perspective. It is so easy for people to judge others but this helped to give light to the other side of the adultery side.
Really enjoyed this story.
mary
True Lies
"I occasionally have doubts that he’ll do the same to me or that he’ll regret turning his back on his old life. But he swears with a sincere conviction that neither of these things will ever happen."
Well, this says it all to me. Thank you for sharing your story, and you are very lucky that it all worked out for you. But I am of the belief that "true" love is not the focus here. It is about character and integrity, two things that don't seem to matter anymore.
You have doubts because the both of you comprised your integrity by allowing the affair to go on as long as it did. Judge you I will not. But I think you and your lover definitely had another option.
My husband and I have made a pact: completely openness and honest about any unhappiness in the marriage, and if it can't be resolved then we will end the relationship so a new, healthier one can take its place. I've had chances to cheat. I've had crushes. But I also know that I would feel like complete shit if I cheated on my life partner when I had a chance to show him respect and keep my integrity.
Overlapping relationships, lying, cheating, sneaking around - this all creates very negative energy, and is a bad example to children if they happen to be stuck in the middle.
We make the rules; we are not prisoners of them.
Good luck, girl. I hope your relationship strengthens enough that "doubts" will be replaced with "openness" and "honesty".
"We are elected into love."
Christopher Fry was exactly right. "We are elected into love," he wrote. We don't choose it or make it happen. It comes to us like grace.
My life was changed forever by my love for a married man. It didn't turn out well for me. But I have no regrets. Making judgements of any kind is pointless and boring, it seems to me. The great thing is to become aware of what we are, and what this experience of being alive is really like.
Foolish woman...
Thank you
the dirty mistress
Sometimes, just sometimes, the dirty mistress gets to win. And for all of us Meredith Grey's out there, how sweet it is. Having been the "other" woman and having lost the man I believed (believe) to be my soul mate, I'm happy for the both of you. No, adultary isn't right, or moral, and it shouldn't be encouraged. But better that than to live our lives trapped in a never ending lie. You altered the ending and have a chance at true happiness. Don't blow it! :)
The Other Side
Blame
I think everyone is looking for a soul mate, someone who finishes eachothers sentences, someone who has everything in common, full of intimacy and passion. I'm sure nobody "really" wants to be the other woman or man. But I appreciate your view. My twin sister has been the "other" woman many many times and yes, I believe Karma hasn't treated her very well in the relationship department. But I do not blame the other woman. I would blame my partner for allowing that kind of intimacy to even begin. I believe fidelity and honesty is a choice. We all have the opportunity to cheat. Even really cool people that we have everything (it seems) in common with; or that physical chemical attraction that is undeniable. Its up to you to say no. To value your family or your wife/husband/partner enough to not go there. Again, I guess it goes back to how they feel about their relationship and how much they love their partner. So as much as I would never allow myself to fall for someone in a relationship, I don't blame you. If it were me....I would blame my partner. I hope you two hold eachother high and respect this relationship forever.
eeak!
Melissa Breeland
I'm on Twitter @MELMAVEN
"soul-mate"
I agree that nobody should remain in an unhappy marriage, but I think it's only fair that this unhappiness be discussed with your partner before the flirtations begin. It's too easy to get swept away by the flirting and extra attention of "the other woman/man", especially when the money is tight, the babies are crying, the in-laws are yapping. But, these are normal side effects of life. A commitment was made and then broken. I blame the cheating spouse for making the decision to disrespect his family, but I also blame the "other woman" for not respecting his marriage and family. Their friendship was inappropriate from the beginning if they were spending that much time together. Any friendship that has to be hidden from your spouse is inappropriate. This is a quote from a very close friend that has recently broken up a marriage and now thinks that she found her soulmate: "Most of the time, when I befriend a married man, my intentions are not good". Another quote from her: "I wish I still had the power to break up a marriage like I did when I was 22". Well, she finally succeeded. I supported her when her husband cheated multiple times in her social circle, and she then supported me through my divorce. She made a decision to have sex with a married man, and then decided he was her soulmate, and then he left his wife for her. I wish them the best, but I can no longer be friends with her.
Reality
Oh your story is so wonderful! I’m so happy for you! Now you can take a walk in his wife’s shoes! Tell me how you like the fit!
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